Well, I can tell it is summer vacation, because there is no possible way that I would usually be awake at this time of night. No, not even on the weekend. I guess that's what comes with teaching 1st graders, they wear me out. ;o) While I enjoy my vacation very much, I do miss being surrounded by kids!!!!!
I love my dogs and cats, but it's just awfully quiet here in this house.
The last 2 weeks have been a little rough in regards to the wait. Michael tells me that ignorance is bliss, and I should just read less and I'd feel better about things. Well that's unfortunately not how my little mind works. Luckily he knows that, so he just lets me do my thing.
At this point there is only one other family that attended our adoption class that has not been matched yet. I know that this is not a competition and I know it is all in God's time. That is what I know, but my heart is a total different subject.
Thoughts like "What's wrong with us, why do mom's pick other couples over us?" keep coming into my mind at least once a day. Typically more often. I'm second guessing everything. Is our matchletter bad, do we need to change things, ...? And most of all there is still this fear in the very back of my brain and the bottom of my heart that I am just not meant to be a mother. It really hurts to write this down, but throughout our years of infertility I've always struggled with this. What if God just doesn't mean for me to be a mother?
The sad thing is, that this would mean that Michael won't be a father. I just can't imagine that this could be God's plan. Michael will be the most amazing father!!!!! God has shaped him to be the perfect dad. So why is he not letting him become a father? It really is beyond my understanding.
Today I read the following verse in a posting of an online adoption community:
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, "Give them up!"
And to the sound, "Do not hold them back."
Bring my sons from afar,
and my daughters from the ends of the earth --
Everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.
- Isaiah 43: 5-7
The first line is the key for me - do not be afraid. As I am rereading my post I realize that I am afraid. I'm full of fear and I just can't get rid off it. As our pastor points out frequently "To worry is to not trust God". Well my brain knows that and it's trying for my heart to understand this concept, but somewhere along the way the info just gets lost. So if any of you out there, friends, family, or fellow soon to be adoptive moms or already adoptive moms have some good advice for me, please don't hold back!
I need to focus on the trust that God will bring our child to us! It's in his time though and that's the hard part for me.
Hi Marion! Thank you for your comment on my blog. I want to say that I completely understand how hard this wait is. The thoughts of "It isn't a competition" crossed my mind often. I would check the site often (as I am sure all of us waiting ones do!) and every time a couple would go on hold, I would feel a mixture of excitement and disappointment/hurt. I would be so happy for that couple, yet my mind would race wondering why they were chosen over us. I think that is completely normal and you shouldn't feel bad about that.
ReplyDeleteI know we were chosen faster because of our willingness to be open to pretty much any and every situation, while other couples are not. But the reality is that God has already hand picked your child for you, and He will bring that child home to you in His perfect timing! I hope you will not lose heart, and continue to trust that you ARE meant to be a mother, and you will be very soon!
I will continue to pray that God comforts your waiting heart, and that you will be rewarded with a new little one very very soon. Patience is an incredibly difficult thing to master, I know I will be trying for years to come!
If you ever need to talk or vent to someone who will listen and understand, please let me know!
Prayers and love,
Karen