Tonight's ramblings

So I realized that since Timmy's arrival the posts on my blog greatly changed. I love posting pictures of our little man, and I also know that this is what most of you are actually looking forward to more than my babbling about life. Yet I feel that when time allows it a little bit of babbling will probably do good. Maybe some day Timmy can read about Mama's thoughts when he was a baby and personally I think that would be kind of neat. On the other hand, it's probably more something a girl would do.
Anyways, as I am typing this Timmy is sound asleep in his Moby wrap. He is so content when he is close to me, feeling me breath and probably listening to my heart beat.
I've talked to many mothers over the years and pretty much all of them would describe their beginnings of motherhood by feeling overwhelmed, over tired, over anxious, and simply exhausted. I was ready for all of those feelings. I was ready to have a constant head ache (I always get a head ache when I'm tired). I was ready to feel overwhelmed and to feel all these other feelings. I was ready to take them on and make the best of them.
Yet, here I am and - nothing! No head aches, no issues - just happiness, joyfulness, and gratefulness! I am calm and relaxed about being a mom. It's the weirdest thing! Granted Timmy is a very easy going boy, but still. I was ready to be worried about all kinds of things, worried that I wouldn't know why he is crying, or what he needed, or how to help him. But somehow God has given me the special mom abilities to know exactly what the little guy needs. It's amazing! I keep telling myself that things are good because I was prepared for the worst. For those of you who know me well you know my attitude. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That doesn't mean I'm a glass half empty person. On the contrary, I just like to be prepared.
The only way I can explain the inner peace and happiness I am feeling is with God's grace. I am in awe by how much God has blessed us! There are no words for it!
Timmy is the greatest blessing in this world and our friends and family have been so generous and loving that it has taken my breath away. I felt bad that getting thank you notes out took me a little while, yet I had never written this many thank you notes in my life. And while I wrote these notes, I couldn't really put my thankfulness into words.
For several years now the song Blessed be your name by The Newsboys has been one of my favorite songs. In case you don't know the lyrics or song please read / listen to it. I have sung this song so many times with my whole heart and have cried so many tears as I was singing it! I distinctly remember driving in my car a few days after Michael's mom had passed away and this song came on the radio. It was one of the first times that I was by myself after her death. I literally screamed this song and I cried and cried the whole time through! The craziest thing is, that it was an absolutely liberating experience.
About a year later to the exact date Michael and I got a call from our fertility specialist telling us that our IVF was unfortunately unsuccessful. Again I listened to this song in tears and sang my heart out!
There have been many other times like that, but those two experiences I will remember the rest of my life.
Now you are probably wondering, where is she going with this?
Well I now have another very distinct memory of this song. Timmy and I were on our way home from the pediatrician this week. We were driving down the I-10 and this song came on. It was such a different experience! I was again singing and crying, but these were tears of joy and thankfulness, not hurt!

God is soooooooooooo good! If you are in a hard place, hang in there - HE HAS A PLAN! If you are not on good terms with God, reconsider. He is the one who can turn your life around, but you need to let him! I'm not very good at sharing my faith in person, it is unfortunately a little intimidating to me. Yet I feel if there is only one of you out there who needed to hear this, I would love to share more!!!!
When I look at Timmy I now KNOW why we had to go through these hard times. God prepared us and saved us to be his parents, because that was his plan all along!
The most beautiful thing in all of this is though, that these were the exact words Timmy's birth mom used when she laid him in my arms. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "God used me to bring Timothy to you. He is your son and that was God's plan all along. God created him for you!". What an amazing woman!
I pray a lot for her and Tim's birth father and appreciate all of you who keep them in your prayers.

And with this I'll end my ramblings for tonight.
Love you all  - it's time to feed my precious son.